Is This Thing On?
Hey. So... I'm back.
A lot has changed since my last update. I'm still a Maronite, still Catholic, still a sinner (obviously). As you can probably guess, I'm in a much calmer headspace than I was when I wrote my last article. Obviously I still care about my eternal soul, but I feel a lot more optimistic about that nowadays. I'll be honest, I was in a really dark place when I wrote that spiritual update. I was deep in the MHFM sedevacantist cult (iykyk), and it made me feel listless and cornered. My friend died a couple of years before that, and it was starting to weigh heavily on my mind. I guess it still does.
Anyway, I confessed. I had that big emotional release, did all the penance and got right with God... then I fell back into sin again. And again, the cycle repeated. Then, a moment of clarity that only a seasoned sinner could come to realize- Catholicism is work. Forever work. The kind of work that you don't finish with a weep sesh and a single Rosary. It takes a lot of boots-on-the-ground, in-the-moment, habit-forming WORK. Of course I still feel guilt, of course I still feel the weight of the sacrifice Christ made for me. But at the same time, I also see now that this is a process. A process that will likely last the rest of my life, however long that'll be.
I left social media, this time for good. I know- didn't I say that last time was the last time? Yeah, I backslid. I lied, essentially. I'm not proud of it, but I went back. Back to social media, back to the muck. But I'm done. Seriously, this time. I'm never going back. I don't even like it. All of the friends I have on social media are still in contact through other means like Discord, so I legitmately have no reason to stay. So I left. That was a couple of weeks ago, and I don't miss it. And now I know the devil's game: he tempted me back on social media with nostalgia, and I obliged. Never again.
I also lied last time. "expect more content soon" right? LOL. 3 years go by and nothing. Sorry about that. Like I said, social media is a devil's game. I wasted 3 years of my life there, for nothing but a whiff of nostalgia for the time before I wised up. What a fool I am. What an absolute mongrel.
I only half-mean that. I know how wretched I am, but I also know how much potential for good I have. I want to be the human God made me to be. I want to be the man my ancestors wanted me to be. Everything my parents want me to be. I want to be good, and you never know how bad you really are until you try, very hard, to be good.
I'm a failure in many ways, but God has allowed me to live for this long, hasn't He? There's gotta be a reason. And for that reason, I keep living. Keep toiling. Keep doing the work that is Catholicism even when it sucks, even when it's hard, even when I am ostracized for doing so. What did JFK say? "We do not do this because it is easy, but because it is hard."
Younger me would've snickered at the suggestive phrasing of that quote. I guess younger me is still me, because I still thought it. There's a lot of work to do, and this time, I want to actually do it. See you again soon. Hopefully with less melodrama.