A Spiritual Update
It’s time for a spiritual update. It’s funny that I choose to do this now. Up to this point, I’ve only ever updated y’all on frivolous things, like my car and my job. I call myself VHS- “MARONITE”, yet I never talk about my spiritual journey. That really illustrates the state I’ve been in for the last couple of years: Maronite in name only. In any case, the update is here. Let me set the scene.
It’s 8PM. I just finished my last bit of homework for the day. I checked my phone, as I often do when I’m starved for a dopamine shot, and I saw that MHFM dropped a new video. What the heck, I thought, Dinner’s ready, and I need something to watch. I plugged my headphones in and glanced at the title: How to Avoid Sin (Overcome Yourself). Once I saw the video, I knew it was too important to be background noise. Even still, I never anticipated the effect it would have on me. Upon watching the video, I related to it on a level so profound, my hands began to tremble. This has never happened to me before.
For months, I had “put off” the Rosary. I would wake up in the morning, declare that I was going to pray the Rosary tonight, then forget, or just not do it. It was a toxic cycle of sloth that consumed me for the last year. This complacency caused a significant backslide in my behavior. I began reassociating with people that I cut off during my first mortification, I returned to social media platforms that were notorious occasions to sin, and as a result I fell back into my old ways. In some sick way, I felt nostalgia for the time prior to my submission to Christ. This spiritual darkness encouraged sloth in other places, like my site, my health, and my creative endeavors.
Why did I neglect the Holy Rosary? Even when I fell from the state of grace, I knew the Rosary would do me plenary good in material and spiritual forms. And yet, I still neglected it. I dreaded it, even. But why? What could have driven me to neglect a prayer so blessed and efficacious? The sad truth is that throughout my spiritual journey, I have never prayed the Rosary correctly once.
Sure, I knew the words, and I prayed them in order. That part I got correct, but what I failed to do was feel the Rosary. I failed to reflect on the mysteries in any meaningful way; to ponder what they actually mean. I knew what the Sorrowful Mysteries were, but what did they mean to me? I knew about the Scourging at the Pillar, but did I really think about what Jesus felt? How did Mary feel when it happened? I never asked any questions. I never reflected. Instead, I either thought about nothing, or worse: my mind drifted to something unrelated. I neglected the most important part of the Rosary, and as a result, the experience became dull and repetitive. What a fool I was.
Two nights ago, I prayed the Rosary correctly for the first time. I opened my heart to Our Lady and truly reflected on the Mysteries. I started with the Sorrowful Mysteries, as one should always do when in the state of mortal sin. I prayed to effectively examine my conscience, so I can make a good confession. I kept it together for the first 4 decades of the Rosary, but when I came to the final Mystery of the Crucifixion, I profusely wept for the first time in years. Thankfully, I was granted enough strength to finish the Rosary correctly through these tears, but it was very difficult. I am not ashamed to admit that I cried. On the contrary, I am pleased that my hardened heart was pierced by Jesus’ sacrifice. It would be troubling to see a Christian that is calloused or indifferent towards the Crucifixion, as I was for the majority of my spiritual journey.
After I finished praying, I came to a concrete resolution. Come hell or high water, I will confess this Sunday. I am taking this week to reflect and “tally-up” every sin I have ever committed, to make extra sure that this confession is true, pure, and complete. I have also rid myself of the most egregious occasions to sin, such as impure video games, films, and books in my collection. Other than Discord, I have deleted all social media apps from my phone (including the Fediverse, by the time you’re reading this), so for the first time, I can honestly say to expect more content on this website. Originally, I planned for my social media exodus to be a Lenten sacrifice, but to be honest, I don’t want to go back. Social media is too tempestuous, and I can no longer allow my earthly connections to keep me from the Narrow Path.
To any old friends reading this, know that while I treasure your companionship dearly, I treasure the eternal rewards of Heaven more. I will no longer contact you, but it does not have to remain this way. I implore you to look within yourself and find the same truth I have, that way we may hold fellowship again. To any of you who have already found the truth of Christ, contact me. I will keep each and every one of you in my prayers, and for the first time in a long time, I truly mean it.
To you, the reader, if you have already found the truth of Jesus Christ and his Church, I wish you the greatest of blessings, a safe journey, and a happy death. I beg you to pray for me in kind.